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My IRL {in real life} friend, Jodie, and her husband, Jesse, were featured on the local news last night in a promotion for the Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep Foundation. You can go here to see the segment in its entirety. Be sure you have a tissue or two-thousand handy.
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Jodie made the following statement...
"She enabled us to look back in those pictures and know that he was real."
What a powerful statement.
Though friends and family may have the best of intentions, their comments can often cause the most pain. Exactly two years ago Billy and I were ecstatic...we were expecting! We kept the news a secret, but excitedly shared with Raegen on his first birthday that he would soon be a big brother. We couldn't wait for October 17th to arrive and I hurriedly marked it, "secretly", on every calendar I had. A few weeks later, on Friday, February 29th, our hopes and dreams were crushed.
We had not shared our pregnancy news with anyone, but due to the circumstances surrounding our loss, the news spread and the comments came in.
"The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away."
"You need to be strong for the baby you do have."
"There was probably something wrong with the baby."
and so on and so on...
Jodie has shared with me similar comments that have been made to her. I'm not sure where the comfort is in those words. I can not imagine telling someone that just lost a parent, "at least you have your dad {or mom}" or "they would have been a burden for you with their illness"...comforting words? Not quite. Not even close.
Why should the words of encouragement and comfort be different for the loss of a child {regardless of age}?
With our loss I learned two major things...
There are just some things in life you don't get over, you just learn to live with. It won't matter if the Lord gives me a dozen children, I will always hurt for the one I lost. And that is okay. It is okay that there are still times I cry for our baby we don't have. It doesn't mean I am not thankful for the good things in my life and it certainly doesn't mean I'm not thankful for my little king or his baby brother that is on the way.
Also, "But I would not have you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning them which are asleep, that ye sorrow not, even as others which have no hope." 1 Thessalonians 4:13
It is okay to grieve. It is okay to mourn. At the time I had such guilt for mourning the loss of our baby. I have since learned that as a Christian I grieve as those with hope, not as someone that has no hope. Even Jesus was "...a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief" Isaiah 53:3.
Those babies that no one gets to hold, those babies that no one gets to see, those babies that no one gets to enjoy here on this earth, they are real. They are real to their momma's and daddy's and they are real to God. Please be mindful of the things you say to those that suffer loss. Trying to minimize the situation or the importance of the life lost is not the answer.
Often the best thing to say is simply,
"I am sorry".
We lost our baby two years ago, on February 29th, the day following February 28th, 2008. It was leap year. Baby Lynden's expected due date is March 1st, the day following February 28th, 2010. We hope to honor our baby we lost and tomorrow I will share how.
